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How To Become A Trillionaire (and Lose 20 lbs.)

I have created a twelve step program to help you to become a trillionaire by next month while losing inches off of your waist. Twelve is a very mystical number. There are twelve planets in our galaxy, if you count Earth four times, five if you don't consider Pluto to be a planet. There were twelve people (aside from Jesus) at the last supper. And there are twelve letters in the name Barry Manilow. So it's no surprise that when Alcoholics Anonymous was trying to come up with a catchy way to get people to stop drinking that they came up with a twelve step program. My 12 step program is better than AAs in that they only promise you sobriety. With ours you'll make tons of money, and you don't even have to be sober. Heck, you don't even have to follow all twelve steps; you should be fine if you follow just one. And if that weren't already enough, if you buy now, I'll throw in an extra step. But please, pay careful attention or you might just only become a billionaire.

Step 1: Make People's Lives Easier
This morning, I woke up and immediately went to the bathroom. But only fifteen years ago, I would have been forced to go outside to an outhouse. Indoor plumbing has certainly made your life and mine a lot easier and made one or two inventors quite wealthy. And yet, I still have to get out of bed to go to the bathroom; there are still no toilet beds. Invent a toilet bed, matching sheets and toilet paper, and you're on your way to trillionairehood.
How can you make your life or the life of others easier? I still have to put sugar, then milk into my coffee every morning. And that's not all. Then, I have to stir. Why hasn't anyone yet invented sugar milk? Or better yet, why hasn't anyone invented a sugar milk spoon that would melt in my coffee as I twirl it around? I would no longer have to spend countless seconds looking for my milk and my sugar. I'm exhausted before I take my first sip. How about a sugar-milk-coffee spoon that would just melt in your mouth. Note to self, call Starbucks and see if they're interesting in going in fifty-fifty on this project with me.

Let's say that you want to take a book out of the library on painting. You need to go to the library shelves and look under the number 750 where you will find all books on painting. Or perhaps astronomy is more your bag. Just head over to the 520 shelves. Economics? That would be 330. So no matter what library you go to, whether it be in Bismarck, North Dakota or New York City, a book on transsexuals is going to be under 612.6 Interestingly enough, the Public Library of Bismarck goes directly from 612.5 on sex with dwarfs to 612.7, concerning sex with Germans, without any mention of transsexuals, whether they be dwarfs or German or both. However, the Public Library of Bismarck can not put books having to deal with creationism or intelligent design under the 612.6 section unless it concerns the creation or intelligent design of transsexuals. It's the Dewey Decimal System. It's the law. It's wonderful to know that no matter what library I go to that I know where everything will be. Sadly, there is no Dewey Decimal System for supermarkets.

One of my local supermarkets classifies pickles as a condiment and puts it with ketchup and mustard. But another supermarket believes that a pickle is a deli item and has it with potato salad and Cole slaw. A third market, run by a family of Tamil separatists, views pickles as a dessert and puts it in between custard and frozen cookie dough. Crazy as this sounds, you can even go to the same supermarket chain in different parts of the country and get confused. While cheese covered grits can be found in aisles 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 14, and 17 in a popular super market chain in Pascagoula, Mississippi, you have to search deep into aisle 97, the Foreign Foods Section in the same super market chain in Marlboro, New Jersey. How much time do you waste looking for pickles and cheese coated grits? Valuable time that you could be spending eating instead. Or reading a book on German transsexuals.
My idea: let's create a Dewey Decimal System for supermarkets, copyright it or patent it, and sell it to all supermarkets throughout the country, throughout the world.

There have got to be at least a million different supermarkets around the world. We'll charge them each a $100,000 annual fee to use our system. That's a trillion dollars per annum in sales. And it's pure profit.

Dr. Murray Trillionaire is a reknowned world expert with doctoral degrees in Yiddish Country Music from Brigham Young University and the History of Medieval New Jersey from the University of Atlantic City. He is the founder of the psychological school of thought commonly known as Trillionairism that believes that the answers to all of mankind’s problems can be found in the lyrics of pop songs from the 80s (particularly those from Culture Club). He is a tireless advocate of getting paper mache building recognized as an Olympic sport but is not sure if it should be part of the Summer or Winter Games.

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